About us
I bought him his first luxury watch, it was a movado watch. He didn’t ask me to buy it. He wasn’t that kind of person to just ask something of me that he knew I couldn’t provide. He was sensible that way. But he wanted that watch. So bad. We were both struggling medical school students so he too couldn’t afford it. All of our money went to books, seminars, and sometimes food. But anytime we would go to the mall, we would somehow find our way to the watch, just to go look at it. We came up with a plan that when we attend his family functions, we would hint it so his friends and family, so they would know that was what he wanted for graduation. We will never know if they got the hint or not, because I bought him the watch.
I secretly applied for a short-term nannying job during spring break and worked about 30 hours a week for 4 weeks, saving enough money to buy him the watch. I’m smart enough to know that all that money shouldn’t be spent on a watch, especially at that stage in my life but I wanted to spoil him. I wanted him to know that his wants are important to me and I too can spoil him. He jumped for joy when he got the watch. In all my years, I had never seen a grown man jump up and down, roll on the ground and shed real tears of joy over a gift. He said the tears came because he couldn’t believe I would work for him to have what he wanted.
I always got a kick out of him indirectly showing it off. He would purposely pull up his sleeves just so someone will notice the watch. Then he would say proudly, pulling me close to him “my lady, this beautiful woman, bought it for me.” When I wasn’t around, our mutual friends would talk about how he brags about me and how lucky he claims he is for having me in his life. I always brushed it off publicly, but in my heart I was dancing.
That one time
He was admitted to the hospital for 6 months. This meant I too was in the hospital for at least 6 months minus the few hours I would attend class and go shower. But I was there with him. I fed him, gave him his medicine, did required exercises with him, taught him and wrote his notes for him. I did this because I wanted to. Who wouldn’t do that for their soulmate? I even cleaned this grown man after he had used the bathroom and when he needed to shower. I didn’t think anything of it. He would do the same for me. He told me I was his everything.
And another time
After being together for 5 years, we decided that we didn’t want to wait to have sex anymore. We even stopped calling it sex. We were going to make love, we had given each other all the important parts of us, withholding our bodies from each other seemed insignificant because we were already one. So I lost my virginity to him, but I didn’t feel like I had lost anything. It was perfect, not just the act but the completeness of it all. We were complete. I didn’t feel any of the things women claim they felt when they didn’t wait till marriage. There was no regret, no shame, no sense of loss, it was all gain! Just gains and wins!!
I knew he loved me when he cooked for me and his mom, his two favorite ladies. He introduced me to her saying, “ma, meet your daughter-in-law.” she beamed and said “finally” and gave me hugs upon hugs. She didn’t even eat out the excitement of meeting me, telling me how his son hadn’t done me justice describing my beauty. She said her grandchildren were going to stand out on the playground because of their beauty.
But he left me. He said he didn’t see a future with me, that he has found someone else.
My world is shattered and my heart is broken, I can actually feel physical pains.
So now is not the time to tell me, I should have paid attention to the signs. Do not tell me I shouldn’t have done all that I did for him. Please don’t tell me I allowed him to use me and it certainly isn’t the time to tell me I should have loved him less, trust him less. That I should have been smarter, had other options, and not have given him my heart and body.
Because you’re wrong and you are blaming me.
You are blaming me for loving someone unconditionally, in truth and wisely. There is nothing wrong in doing those things, I didn’t make any mistakes, I loved and I loved well. So do not turn this on me. My heart is broken because he left. I didn’t bring this heartbreak upon myself. It is not my fault.
Why I wrote this
Most times in hetero relationships, unless the man cheats, blame automatically falls on the woman. Although people may not have the full details, they somehow just KNOW that the woman did something wrong. Even in the case of infidelity, it somehow almost always falls on the woman for causing the man to leave. Perhaps they weren’t nice enough, didn’t dress well, didn’t cook well, etc…
I wrote this to hopefully open your eyes to how people can just change their minds about whether or not they want to continue a relationship. To show that sometimes things just end and blame should not be put on anyone.
I really hope no one can relate to this story. I somehow can, but I really hope no one else can. Because I know how unhealthy it can be to wonder what happened, and even if people aren’t putting blame on you, you somehow place it on yourself. You start questioning yourself and your worth. And think, “ if I were more this, if I were less that, etc…” then this person would have stayed. It almost makes you feel better to place blame on yourself, because then at least there is some sense of why the relationship ended. I believe in self-assessment following a break-up and we always need to know where we can improve. But the truth is, sometimes the person simply wanted out and there is absolutely nothing you could have done to make them stay. That is the reality of relationships, sometimes.
So on this Valentine’s Day if you are mourning a break-up. I want you to be kind to yourself. Reflect, analyze, think about areas of growth, but please please be kind to yourself.
There is a saying in Islam that goes (like this) “ What is meant for you, will reach you even if it beneath two mountains, and what isn’t meant for you, won’t even reach you even it is between your two lips.” Another quote from the Bible tells us to “trust in the Lord, with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and He shall direct your path.” I quote these to just say that sometimes, a love lost was just not in the cards for you. That no matter what you could have done, it would have ended because it wasn’t a relationship for you.
It is my hope that these quotes bring you comfort. I am also praying that you find ease on Valentine’s Day when people are sharing what their loved ones did for them. I hope you don’t give into envy, but rather log-off if need be. I hope you have the energy and strength to get through the day and maybe do something nice for yourself, or at least treat it like a normal day.
